Amazing artwork by the incredible Jim’ll Paint It
Shitty zombies canvas print
Alan: I’m a zombie! I’m a zombie, I’m dressed as a zombie! I’m Alan Partridge!
Michael: Would you come out, please, Mr. Partridge, because guests are not allowed behind reception.
Alan: Alright! Alright. It was just a joke, alright, it’s backfired.
Ben: Is that blood?
Alan: It’s tomato ketchup.
Susan: Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck?
Alan: I’m a zombie, I don’t know! It’s supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
Susan: Did you pull that off one of the showers?
Alan: No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could re-attach them afterwards. Nothing has been damaged.
Michael: Why have you got biscuits sellotaped to your face?
Alan: They’re complimentary, they’re supposed to be flaky skin. I’m a zombie.
Sophie: What’s that hanging down between your legs?
Alan: It’s a flex off a mini-kettle. Supposed to be a tail.
Sophie: Zombies don’t have tails.
Alan: Alright, it’s inconsistent! Zombies, by their very nature, are inconsistent. They’re a mish-mash of different bits.
Ben: No, that’s Frankenstein.
lan: Right, you’ve made two glaring errors [raises his finger to make the point].
Ben: What’s that on your fingers?
Alan: They’re tungsten-tipped screws, claws. Right, error one – actually, they’re quite good for making a point, aren’t they? Error one, right, Frankenstein was the name of the creator, not the monster. Error two, right, Frankenstein is a zombie. He’s a type of zombie. It’s like people who say Tannoy when they mean public-address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why are you all staring at me? I’m not having a go at anyone, I’m having a pop at the undead. Do you see any upset zombies around?
Sophie: Just the one.